If you’re reading this thinking California’s famous Father’s Office has opened up a faction in Australia, think again. Call it clever marketing or flattering imitation, it got us curious enough to check it out. Up some dark stairs along Little Lonsdale St and you’ll find yourself in a large bar draped head-to-toe in wood and 1920′s inspired paraphernalia. Serial entrepreneurs Stewart Koziora and Anna Carosa took over for Match Bar in 2012 and went on to create a space that caters to all walks of life. Whether it’s after work drinks, weekend comfort food or functions they’ve got it covered. On a weekend a decent drinks menu will keep you liquored up until 3am or if you’re more the civilised type and food is your vice then there’s plenty to choose from. An extensive Americana inspired menu will have you “Ooing and Ahhing” over Kansas City Baby Back Ribs, Philly Steak Sandwiches and Warm Apple, Pear & Blueberry Pie. We couldn’t look past the Man Burger though. It came with a brioche bun smothered in Dijon mustard, topped with a 200gm grass fed Queensland yearling MSA certified black angus pattie, 2 pieces of Swiss cheese, a layer of beer battered fries, 2 more pieces of Swiss cheese, a fried egg, a full rasher of bacon and chipotle mayo.

“It would’nt suprise me if whoever thought up of this burger was drunk, or if a large percentage of customers who consume this burger are also drunk. I’m sure it felt like a good idea at the time but its complete overkill and unnecessary. It’s a shame as each individual flavour was nice, but you don’t need 4 slices of cheese, aswell as a creamy gooey egg, aswell as mayo and mustard, aswell as a layer of chips to overpower and kill any flavour from the beef or bacon. So unless you have masculinity issues, are extremeley drunk or like feeling sick after a meal, I’d go ahead and order something else from the menu.”

“I’d read about this burger and had been a little bit impressed. I mean 4 slices of Swiss Cheese! That’s a party. I was pretty blown away when it came out. It was oozing with cheese as expected and I started to dread the extra KMs I’d have to run to burn this sucker off. Biting in was a bit of a challenge, purely because it was so dense. But immediatley all that mustard hit me. It was good! But that was only my first bite. After a while the burger became a bit of a chore and a boring one at that. I’ll give it points for consistency but all the flavours stayed on the same side of the spectrum. What this burger was missing was sweetness to cut through the heaviness. I’d replace the chips with either onion rings or caramelised onions. Screw it, just ketchup would have done fine. The menu says the beef is decent quality, but it didn’t hit me with too much flavour. On that day I didn’t have the stomach to finish this thing. But I still stick by Yokohama accomplishment if you want to challenge my eating prowess.”

“I really hope these guys were having an off day, because this burger had so much potential, however, it was absolutely horrendous. The two most important elements of a burger are the beef and bun. In this case both were terrible, both of them burnt to an absolute crisp. I’m not exaggerating when I say the beef could survive a full 60 minutes as a puck in an ice hockey game. If you combine this food with the bogan tourist clientel that filled the remainder of the restaurant, your not going to find many repeat, local customers, myself included.”

“Ok before I get stuck into it, from the top, there is a lot of potential here. But with a burnt beef pattie on the outside and an almost rare/ pinkish inside I really didn’t get the opportunity to taste much. The bun was a waste, such a beautiful bun burnt to s^@t. I was devastated to see the way this promising, beautiful bun was treated on the grill – for shame! The “Mojo sauce” that comes in the burger really missed the mark and delivers a healthy punch of garlic that will leave you reaching for after dinner mints. What added more insult to injury was the cover band! There is something about Southbank that always brings out the worst in a Melbourne dining experience: from the table service to the meal and the over priced restaurants full of cashed-up bogans, it will take me a while to to get past this anger for Southbank. Chips were ok, tasty and crispy.”

“This is a chefs worst nightmare. You take a day off to feed baby ducks by the pond and the kitchen turns into a black hole. On paper, and on previous tips, this burger sounded the business. Sure it was unforgettable, but for the wrong reasons. I won’t spout them all again, but when you burn 3 potentially delicious patties and buns something has got to be done. The most enjoyable part of the meal was when I tore out the bacon and ate it solo; quite decent in-fact. There’s a lesson to be taken away in all of this and it’s all about being consistent. Whether you’re cooking for the King of England or John Smith from next door, always deliver your best. We never announce ourselves or tell the wait-staff who we are. We’re just a couple of dudes ready to smash some sweet-ass burgers and we expect our burger to be just as good as anyone else’s on any given night. Noone’s a winner here. A really sad day for everyone involved.”

Cheeseburger Baby – 1505 Washington Avenue, Miami Beach, Florida, USA

Touted as the ‘oldest burger joint on South Beach”, Cheeseburger Baby appears to have stood the test of time in a city where you’re either hot or you’re nothing. The menu is simple and uncomplicated, with fries as a separate order and the option of some sandwiches and hotdogs. The service that sets this place apart is their offer of free delivery to the entire South Beach area. If you’re game, you can also try “The Punisher” – a 5 pound burger which gets you a free t-shirt and photo on the wall of fame if you finish it. No mention of a free visit to a cardiologist.

“Well yes, I’m the sucker that fell for the free delivery. Smart of Cheeseburger Baby to capitalise on the thousands of hotel rooms in the area – theoretically, it was supposed to be a cheap and delicious alternative to room service. Unwrapping the burger, it was clear from visual inspection alone that things did not bode well. The meat was horrendously overcooked, terribly seasoned and was falling apart. Quite possibly the worst burger I have ever eaten, second only to Misty’s Diner.”

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Brasserie Les Halles – 411 Park Ave South, Murray Hill,
New York, NY, USA

When mentioning Les Halles to most New York foodie folk, the first remark is usually “Isn’t that Bourdain’s restaurant?” Well, sort of. Previously the executive chef, Les Halles now call him their “Chef at Large” as he travels the world writing and filming his hit show “No Reservations”. Its story runs a little deeper than celebrity chefs though; the Brasserie pays homage to its roots in French cuisine, named after “Les Halles” the historic central wholesale marketplace in Paris. As well as providing Manhattanites with “American Beef, French Style” they serve simple and classic French dishes such as escargot, foie gras, steak tartare (prepared to order at table side) and their renowned pommes frites. The Park Avenue location even features a butcher shop that specialises in French cuts of meat. Hoping that with all this hype and “French Style” beef talk they’d have an awesome burger I ordered the Hamburger Rossini that came with char-grilled ground beef (made to order), a slice of house made fois gras terrine melted on top, dip of black truffle and red wine sauce, plus a side of pomme frites.

“I felt this thing was beef overkill. There were so many strong, gamey flavours going on that they all clashed making each bite so so heavy and filling. The large chunk of beef was cooked well, however I felt it was a little bit too big for the burger. The fois gras and truffle oil were just so unnecessary; it was like they wanted to sound French and extra fancy in an attempt to try and impress the local Americans who were looking for a bit of culture. Having said all this, the chips (pommes frites) were absolutely amazing! Had this burger been in any other city, I’m sure it would of rated higher. But when you’re in a place like New York City and you’re exposed to a myriad of awesome burger options, some even at a quarter of the price, I’d say you’re better off skipping it.” ”

Mail Exchange Hotel – 688 Bourke St, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

The ominous looking building that is the Mail Exchange Hotel is rich with history. Prior to being constructed, it was the home of Robert Hoddle who famously designed the layout for Melbourne’s inner city streets. After the land’s acquisition in 1913 by the Post Master General’s Department, construction began for a new building that would ease the congestion of another Melbourne landmark, The GPO. So, after almost 100 years and a few tenants later, nothing would be more Australian than to turn the old gal into a pub. The ground floor on the building has been been completely restored and features a 200 seat bistro, central bar, atrium with internal courtyard and informal lounge areas (the Pokies). With a pub-style menu for breakfast, lunch and dinner we went for the Mail Exchange Hotel Beef Burger that comes with 200 grams of chargrilled beef, lettuce, tomato, fried egg, bacon, mustard and mayo. This is all accompanied with a side of beer-battered chips and coleslaw.

“I don’t know why people bother putting something on the menu just for the sake of having it on there. If your not going to put any effort at all into something, don’t ruin it for everyone that is looking to enjoy a decent meal. Everything about the burger was wrong and uncared for. I really felt like my palette and stomach had been abused. Who the hell gave the green light for this to be on the menu?”

“I can’t really find anything positive to say about this burger, so I’ll just list the negatives: the bun was too big, stale and fell apart. The beef had very little flavour. They used the spine of the lettuce and the ends of the tomato. The “coleslaw” was wet cabbage with no mayo. So yeah, I think this place makes its money off the Pokies and the food is just an inconvenience for them.”

“Like a 5 year old that doesn’t want to eat his vegetables, you would have seen me react the same way with this burger. I hated burgers in general when I was eating it. I’m not even going to analyse it any further. It should just be removed from the menu and forgotten about. Readers – this was the first time I didn’t finish my burger – EVER. Damn you Mail Exchange Hotel, damn you..”

“As far as burgers go, this was shit. My bun fell apart almost instantly. The meat resembled a fast food chain just with some gourmet additions: chopped onion. You might be satisfied with this meal if you’d just gotten off a 24 hour plane ride and you were stuck in transit in Whothehellknowsville and this was the only thing to eat FOREVER. Come to think of it, the place kind of looked like a tacky airport lounge. It was a really nice, sunny day when we went though. I ate a Paddle-pop. I think it was banana.”

Stamford Plaza Hotel – 111 Little Collins St, Melbourne,
Victoria, Australia

Located at the top end of Melbourne’s CBD, the Stamford Plaza Hotel houses a small and conveniently located cafe/restaurant. With a fit out that can’t really be described as having one particular style: Chesterfield couches, a Roman-style mural on a domed roof, iron frame outdoor chairs and some sort of oriental painted wall. Its a real wonder what they’re trying to achieve? We decided to give their Stamford 100% Beef Burger a go which comes with a beef pattie, salad, chips, onion rings, tomoato relish, and pickled Lebanese cucumber.

“Well, well, well, what can I say! Don’t go there to see what you think, coz I can assure you that you’ll be as disappointed as I was. There just wasn’t anything good about this burger. From the surroundings to the wait time (it wasn’t even busy), and ofcourse the burger itself. I won’t bother listing what was wrong with it coz all I can say is nothing was right.”

“The best way to improve this burger is to replace the beef with better beef, the salad with better salad, the bun with a better bun, add cheese and halve the price. Once this is done it might be worth checking out. The highlight of this Burger Adventure was listening to the new Usher album that was on in the background, and I don’t even like Usher.”

“I have this rule I try to live by. Basically if I don’t have anything good to say, I’d rather not say anything at all. However, since this is a burger review I will try to keep it short. The whole burger experience was disappointing. It started with a 30+ min wait for a burger that only really had 5 ingredients in it, on a quiet night where there weren’t any people in the restaurant. The pattie, the bun and whatever was in that burger was so subpar I cant even begin to tell you. But what really stuck out to me was the over-cooked, tasteless pattie. Really disappointed.”

“I’m hopefully saying this for the last time; the Turkish bread is not fooling anyone. It does not make your burger more fancy, more exotic or give you an excuse to charge a ridiculous price for it. Please stop using it! Also when a menu says one thing and you get another, there is a real problem (no onion rings, no tomato relish and what Lebanese cucumber?). I really hope for the Hotel’s sake that they were just having an off day.”

Deco Cafe & Restaurant – 211 Camberwell Rd, Camberwell
Victoria, Australia

Heavily seasoned beef. Panini style bun. They’re trying a little too hard and everything had too much flavour.
Each ingredient clashed with another. Really fresh lettuce and tomato. Mayo was great but not enough of it.

“Big. No tomato sauce, but a good amount of sweet tomato. Very herby meat, a little dry. Maybe a more traditional bun would have suited it better. Wasn’t impressed with the relish or chips.”

“Burger was too tall, I cheated and added ketchup, chips were cold with no salt, what the f***? Tried too hard with the tomato relish. None of the waitresses were stunners but they were all the type you could take home to meet your parents.”

“Beef pattie was overcooked. Nice generous amount of cheese, bacon, onion and mayo. Cheese should have been on the patty not on the inside of the bun. The chips could have used some more TLC and the side of relish lacked flavour. The bun soaked up all the juice. It could have been better).”

“Very sweet and juicy but not enough mayo. Meat was definitely overcooked.
A burger full of contrasting flavours.”