If you’re reading this thinking California’s famous Father’s Office has opened up a faction in Australia, think again. Call it clever marketing or flattering imitation, it got us curious enough to check it out. Up some dark stairs along Little Lonsdale St and you’ll find yourself in a large bar draped head-to-toe in wood and 1920′s inspired paraphernalia. Serial entrepreneurs Stewart Koziora and Anna Carosa took over for Match Bar in 2012 and went on to create a space that caters to all walks of life. Whether it’s after work drinks, weekend comfort food or functions they’ve got it covered. On a weekend a decent drinks menu will keep you liquored up until 3am or if you’re more the civilised type and food is your vice then there’s plenty to choose from. An extensive Americana inspired menu will have you “Ooing and Ahhing” over Kansas City Baby Back Ribs, Philly Steak Sandwiches and Warm Apple, Pear & Blueberry Pie. We couldn’t look past the Man Burger though. It came with a brioche bun smothered in Dijon mustard, topped with a 200gm grass fed Queensland yearling MSA certified black angus pattie, 2 pieces of Swiss cheese, a layer of beer battered fries, 2 more pieces of Swiss cheese, a fried egg, a full rasher of bacon and chipotle mayo.

“It would’nt suprise me if whoever thought up of this burger was drunk, or if a large percentage of customers who consume this burger are also drunk. I’m sure it felt like a good idea at the time but its complete overkill and unnecessary. It’s a shame as each individual flavour was nice, but you don’t need 4 slices of cheese, aswell as a creamy gooey egg, aswell as mayo and mustard, aswell as a layer of chips to overpower and kill any flavour from the beef or bacon. So unless you have masculinity issues, are extremeley drunk or like feeling sick after a meal, I’d go ahead and order something else from the menu.”

“I’d read about this burger and had been a little bit impressed. I mean 4 slices of Swiss Cheese! That’s a party. I was pretty blown away when it came out. It was oozing with cheese as expected and I started to dread the extra KMs I’d have to run to burn this sucker off. Biting in was a bit of a challenge, purely because it was so dense. But immediatley all that mustard hit me. It was good! But that was only my first bite. After a while the burger became a bit of a chore and a boring one at that. I’ll give it points for consistency but all the flavours stayed on the same side of the spectrum. What this burger was missing was sweetness to cut through the heaviness. I’d replace the chips with either onion rings or caramelised onions. Screw it, just ketchup would have done fine. The menu says the beef is decent quality, but it didn’t hit me with too much flavour. On that day I didn’t have the stomach to finish this thing. But I still stick by Yokohama accomplishment if you want to challenge my eating prowess.”

Brought to you by Daragh Kan and Myles Munro, their mission statement goes something like “Mr Burger sells burgers. From a truck in Melbourne.” – pretty much self explanatory. Since attending the South by Southwest music festival in Austin, Texas, earlier this year, the guys saw an opportunity to bring the Food Truck revolution to the whole of Melbourne. They’ve setup a semi-permanent location at 93 Therry St, opposite the Queen Victoria Market, but your best best is to check their daily updates on facebook or twitter to find out exactly where you can get a mouthful in our beautiful city. Like their motto, they’ve kept the menu simple; with 2 burgers on offer and fries as an option for a side. We went for their signature Mr Burger which consists of local beef, American cheese, lettuce, onion, pickle, mustard, mayonnaise and tomato sauce.

“The older I get, the more I seem to be appreciating the simpler things in life. For example, the moment melted cheese hits the hot plate and solidifies, leaving a crispy ring of burnt cheese around a pattie is one of the greatest tastes ever and provides me with immense pleasure. So I was off to a good start, and apart from having to remove the thick spine of the lettuce leaves, it only got better. The bun did its job and the 3 sauces along with the cheese ensured every bite was packed full of flavour and kept the beef extremely juicy. The only way i could think of improving this burger would be by making it a double, but this is me just being greedy.”

“That’s right Melbourne it’s another food truck. And just like Melbourne’s beloved Beat Box Truck this truck is banging out burgers that will give any “place with a front door” a run for their money. Made with heaps of attitude and love for two buns and a piece of meat these gents have researched what it takes to make an epic burger. Packed with heaps of sweet juice and flavour I instantly fell in love with the beef pattie. The oozing American cheese blended with the mayo and mustard was a real killer combo. For a street burger this thing held it’s own and never became a mess, but you wouldn’t know that if you saw our boy D trying to eat this. Chips were good, but could have done without the herb seasoning.”

“Such a terrific example of an all-star American burger. The boys have done a seriously good job in bringing all they learnt from the U.S and packed it between two buns. You’ll know it as soon it’s in your hands, but this burger is so soft and invites you to smash it it as quickly as you can. All of the condiments played a stellar role in supporting the juicily pink beef pattie and it was hard to find any chinks in the burger’s armour. The great thing is that they cater for real burger fans – because sometimes you want a burger to be fresher, on the lighter side (I could’ve eaten two of these), and there are other times you want walk away with a serious meat fix. That’s why it was good to see they’ve got a Mr Meat Burger that has added bacon and all the tasty things that’ll have me back there in no time. Hats off to the lads again and with more and more Melbournians singing their praise I’m sure it won’t be long until they’re changing their name to Sir Burger.”

Burger Fuel first opened on Ponsonby Rd in Auckland in 1995. After initially expanding nation-wide they were eventually floated on the NZ stock exchange in 2007 and partnered with a Dubai based investment group. Since opening their first Middle-Eastern store with a 200 seat restaurant in Saudi Arabia, they now boast 37 stores across New Zealand, Australia, UAE, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Egypt and Libya. The store is decked out with plenty of stainless steel, fluro lights and an obvious love of hot rods with a really tried and tested kitchen finely tuned to produce a consistent burger using the finest of local ingredients. After much deliberation we opted for the Third Pounder with Cheese that comprises of 1/3 pound of 100% pure NZ grass fed beef, melted cheddar, bread and butter pickles, dijon mustard, relish and the famous fresh natural Burger Fuel aoli.

“First off, the “Doofer” is the smartest invention ever. As someone with OCD who hates shit on his hands, this is heaven sent. And, this burger definitely needed it because it was extremely saucy. Almost too saucy as the strong flavour of the dijon mustard and sharp pickles pretty much completely overpowered the cheese and only left a little bit of beef flavour. The beef was really evenly cooked; the reason I know this is because I really like checking out kitchens (even though I’ve never actually used mine at home) and found the patties being char grilled on a conveyor belt. On a side note. I’m very impressed, and at the same time perplexed, as to them having a store in Iraq.”

“A couple of days into our camper van trip of NZ and on a route mission to consume as many burger options as possible meant we sometimes would eat burgers a bit earlier than normal. In this case eating a burger at 11am was an eventuality that we often faced. For a morning burger the Third Pounder and Cheese was a winner, but not a filler. I loved the Dijon mayo and the pickles were awesome. The pattie was on the greasy side and did taste OK for franchise beef, but if it was a lunch/dinner meal I could have used some more meat in the mix.”

“One of them “Jermaine from Flight of the Conchords” look-a-likes regularly told me that Burger Fuel is the best burger in NZ and I had to give it a go. Truth be told I didn’t care for these comments. Could a chain hold such an honour? Of course my immediate feelings towards Burger Fuel were tarnished, imagining a Grill’d-like establishment that’d rather ask me about my feelings than how I’d like my burger cooked. Sadly, neither of these things happened. Chowing down into my burger with its soft NZ-style bun gave me an automatic kick of dijon – exactly what I needed at 11am. The bread and butter cucumber were also a treat but where I felt it lacked was in the meat department. Whether it needed to maybe be a 1/2 pounder, or just use fattier beef I’m not sure, but it didn’t really stand out for me. I don’t know if I’d need another one on my next trip to NZ, next time I’m in Iraq though, that I’d give a crack.”

“Luckily just after ordering we managed to get a seat at the bench which made the wait a little more bearable. Love the setup and the size of the menu; a very limited selection that means they have all of their time and energy to focus on just burgers. The actual Huxtaburger is one of the most visibly appealing burgers out there at the moment and that bun must the be lightest, fluffiest and sweetest bun I’ve ever had. I was even surprised as to how well it held all the ingredients together and didn’t dissolve. The beef was cooked well but there didn’t seem to be much fat and wasnt juicy at all. The cheese was melted perfectly over the top of the pattie, and parts of the slice oozed down and touched the hot plate which, is one of the best tastes on earth. The mustard was a little too strong for me – I think I’d rather have had more of the flavour of the pickle come through instead. Next time I’d love to try the double burger with the bacon to experience a bolder, beefier flavour to balance out the strength of the mustard and pickle.”

“We’re always getting recommendations for burger joints people would like us to visit. Most of them have eaten the burger and can give us the intricate details. But when you have a long-time vegetarian recommending a place that only makes beef burgers (not having tried the burger, but nevertheless tempted), you know this place is doing something right. Readers be warned this place is busy and you might have to wait a while, but credit to the staff for working their butts off. When it comes out the burger looks delicious. The croissant-like bun is by far the star of the show, slightly greasy on the outside and soft to hold, this bun is sweet as hell and could just be served on it’s own for breakfast. The pattie is ok; not a lot of seasoning and thin in size, but it does the job. The tang from the mustard and pickles can take over the burger, but I really don’t mind it – any burger with mustard earns my respect. Overall it’s not a fatty burger and is definitely a burger I can eat twice a week for lunch. One burger is sufficient, but I would recommend going for a double pattie. Chips were ok.”

“I could go on about the amazing bun, the delicious cheese, the not so juicy beef pattie or even the hipsteriffic clientelle. But I won’t. All I’ll say is, eating this burger is a bit like finally going out with the hottest girl in school, only to find out she’s a devout Christian and all you’ll get at the end of the date is a handshake and God’s blessing. When I go back, I’ll be sealing the deal by ordering an extra pattie, some bacon and extra cheese. Nice burger: if you’re into that sort of thing.”

Carl’s Jr – Valle Alianza #100, Col Del Valle, San Pedro Garza Garcia,
Monterrey, NL, Mexico

The original brand dates back to 1940′s Anaheim, California, where a lone ranger by the name of Carl Karcher ran Carl’s Drive-In Barbeque. It wasn’t until the mid 50s that he opened smaller, speedier versions of his beloved restaurant, naming them Carls Jr. Today they’re the 4th largest fast-food burger chain in the USA and have expanded into Mexico, Canada, Russia, Singapore, Vietnam and China. As I sat down in my “just a little bit fancier than McDonalds” booth, I pulled out my burger and was instantly reminded of the ad campaign Carls Jr used to run in the mid 90′s: “If it doesn’t get all over the place, it doesn’t belong in your face.” The Original Six Dollar Burger came with a charbroiled 100% Black Angus beef pattie, tomato, Spanish onion, lettuce, 2 slices of American cheese, pickles, mustard, ketchup and mayonnaise.

“Holy shit! Disgustingly awesome, I know. The photo really does it justice. There’s so much slide on this thing its ridiculous. Even when trying to take the shot I kept trying to prop the top of the bun back in place, but eventually realised this had to be seen for what it was, in all its monstrous glory. As for taste; it slams you in the face. This is mainly due to the inclusion (and abundance) of all 3 classic burger sauces, which I’m sure you’ll eventually notice running down your arm. This much sauce really feels like they’re trying to hide something. So, I tried the pattie on its own and there isn’t much to say; you’d pick it as being beef, but unsurprisingly it was dry and pretty average. It goes down hill from there. The burger turns even uglier when you start eating it, sliding around awkwardly like your first sexual experience. Afterwards you look down at the mess you’ve made, ashamed and not sure whether or not to tell your friends about it. As far as fast-food burger chains go, it does a great job at filling you up and tastes a little better/different than some of its competitors, but I think it’ll be a while before you have another one. Well, at least not until the next drunken outing or the eventual hangover that ensues.”

In-N-Out Burger – 7009 Sunset Blvd, Hollywood, California, USA

Starting out in 1948 as a humble drive-thru burger box, it has developed into an icon for burgers and fast food all over USA’s west coast. At In-N-Out Hollywood on a crazy-busy summer’s day, I experienced another possible meaning behind their name: you order, look around desperately for somewhere to sit, claim it and wait for your number to be called. Then after I ate my burger, I felt so bad with people staring at my place, I took some notes and made for the door. The layout is not dissimilar to your McTypical fast food joint: basic, nonintrusive decor and seating, all very fitting to let you focus on the meal you are sure to devour. I ordered from the Not-So-Secret Menu where I took my Cheeseburger and turned it Animal Style. This consisted of a baked plain burger bun, a mustard cooked beef pattie, American cheese, hand-leafed lettuce, tomato, pickles, ketchup and grilled onions.

“Screw the cab driver who on the way to drop me off kept on ragging on In-N-Out and why I shouldn’t eat meat! Although, the man had a parrot, so who was I to argue at that point in time. Once inside, amidst the calamity of people getting their orders and the tourists not knowing what to get, I managed to weasel a counter seat, claimed it and waited for my number to be called. Bingo! I unwrapped my special package and was immediately blown away with all of the American cheese oozing out. After taking a few snaps I sunk my teeth in. At first it was soft, then you hit the meat and onions and got a wicked crunch. The mustard cooked pattie + grilled onions were filled with a salty awesomeness thats hard to compare to another fast-food chain. However, the pickles were average and could’ve done with some more juiciness. This burger is probably not the highest quality or best thing for you but damn its tasty. Being a stinking hot LA day the air-con was on full blast and ended up making my chips go cold. I ate them all the same but they weren’t memorable. If I wasn’t in a rush I would’ve gladly had another one. Frankly I’d advise most people to go the double or triple if you want to avoid multiple orders. If these guys brought their business Down Under I’d be one of the first people in line. It was like crack damn-it. Thats right I said crack!”